fall (1997)
özellikle filmin sonunda michael'ın sarah'ya yazdığı mektubu bizatihi kendi sesinden dinlediğimiz o uzuuuun sahne, ah o sahne yok mu ve dış sesle okuduğu mektup, ah yok mu o mektup ve mektubun bittiği anda başlayan çığlık çığlığa müzik... uzaktan kumadayı ısırdığımı hatırlarım...
“i've wanted to tell you for awhile now.
i wanted to say it as you reached for a tea cup in your kitchen that night after we fought about why do we always have to eat chinese food on your floor and then made up.
i wanted to say it as the moonlight shone in on you as you slept in your bed the first time we made love there, when i felt your heart racing against my chest, in your sweet foyer in spain when you first saw your roses even though i wasn't there, but mostly i wanted to say it the last night i saw you, as i held you in my arms looking down at your precious face knowingly looking up at me still inside you, quiet motionless but
so inside you.
i wanted so badly to tell you that...the words each time graced my lips like an imposter only to fall away like some great lizard that was taken out to sea to reign its fury on the dark ocean alone, unbeknownst to any hearing. i pray that you can hear them for what they are, feel them for what they are and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them. please take them in your heart and feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open for just a moment my voice speaking them softly in your ear with a kiss.
when your head lightly moves to dance, when your tongue finds my lips, when you ramble over a glass of wine, when you sit naked after we've made love, when you act boldly, when you laugh, when you squeeze my hand, when you call my name in a gruff whisper, when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace, when you love me. what i'm sad about is selfish, i'm mad at god's timing. i'm only a man, and as a man i miss you. i miss you terribly. i miss your kiss, i miss your smile, oh how i miss your smile, but most of all, i miss the moment that hasn't happened yet. the moment when you let yourself fall for me. what makes it hard for me is knowing how much you care for me, how much in a way you do love me, how much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff and said, “catch me baby.” if i didn't know that i could make you a villain, me a victim and soothe myself, but i can't because it isn't the truth. the truth we both know. the truth is, not today. i know that you're not leaving him for me and i wouldn't want you to, i would want you to leave him for you. i also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you, someday maybe, but not today. so i guess i had better disappear……... i know you'll be okay and soon i will be too; and maybe just maybe if god so desires the day will come when as friends we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of dover or the mountain rocks of mendocino, or the emerald north of the scottish seaboard or the glistening harbor of old new york and from the heights in the stars amongst the angels who's arms will cradle us in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness we will look into each other's eyes and know it is today, it is today. and whether that day is tomorrow or next week or next year or next lifetime i will finally get to tell you to your sweet face, the face that i will miss more than i could ever tell that i love you, i love you, ah baby i love you, and you'll smile wryly close your eyes say “catch me baby” and fall."
2 Responses to "fall (1997)"
O fakslar ve mektuplar, aslında izlediğimiz tensel şehvetin çok daha ötesinde yoğun duygular barındırıyor.
Arşivde olmalı..
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